Sometimes I just need to attend a good birth. It’s hard to explain; there’s just something so therapeutic about attending an easy, normal, natural birth…the kind of birth where my skills for dealing with complications are not required…where in large part my role is one of “silent observer.”

I don’t know, maybe this is one of those “Ya gotta walk in my shoes” kind of things. Perhaps only another midwife can fully understand, but I want to try and convey my feelings. Childbirth has such a profound effect on me. I can come home from a birth that was long and difficult, and yet feeling totally empowered because I know that I made a positive difference. But I can also attend a simple, easy birth and come home completely renewed because I am reminded just how natural and normal the process is. But I can also come home from a birth totally drained because I have used up all my reserves of energy and have nothing left to give. Every birth is different, and when I walk out my door, I never know what type of birth I’m going to face.

I remember back to when I was a brand new apprentice. I was given the opportunity to stay for a whole month at Angela Fran’s birth center in Terrell, Texas. That month was a particularly busy one for Angela, and she allowed me to come for the experience. Prior to that month, I had only attended three births besides my own.

We had a birth my very first day there. The experience was exhilarating; I was absolutely elated. But after that initial thrilling experience, it was almost a full week before we had another birth. I’ll never forget Angela telling me one evening, “I feel a bit down; I just need to go to a good birth.” Of course, as a new apprentice, I was eager to go to any birth, any time I could. But it was clear to me that Angela was expressing a feeling or a need entirely different from that of my own. I did not relate to or understand Angela’s need or desire at the time, but I took note of it and I’ve never forgotten what she said. Something told me that one day I would relate. Well, it’s taken a little over ten years, but Angela, if you are reading this, I relate to you now.

For many reasons this has been a stressful year for me. I won’t go into all the details. Some of it’s personal and some of it is the normal stress of work. But this has been a particularly hard year. So, on my way to a birth the other day, I found myself “needing” to experience a normal, easy birth.

I often pray on my way to a birth. I pray for the mother and for wisdom; mostly I pray for the safe arrival of a healthy baby. But on my way to this particular birth, my prayers were a little more selfish. Maybe it was because we had just gone through a more difficult birth. But I also think it was more than that. I didn’t want to be “needed” that night.

I found myself praying for the same things I always did: a healthy mother, a healthy baby and an easy delivery. But I couldn’t seem to help the fact that my motives were also more selfishly motivated this time. So, I finally had to confess to God that I needed this birth to be a good one for my sake. It made me feel bad to admit it, but I also knew that God knew my heart anyway. So I thought, “I might as well just ‘fess up.” After my confession, I then asked Him to give me the strength and wisdom if I did need to get through a complicated delivery. I knew He would give the strength if I needed it. He always does. But this evening I was really hoping for an easy delivery.

Well, God answered my prayers. The mother labored beautifully. When she called me, her water had just broken and her contractions weren’t very strong or regular. But by the time I arrived, she was already in her birth pool and well into active labor.

Mercy and Jessica did most of the work setting up the room and getting her vitals and starting her chart. This mother wanted as few of interventions as possible. So, at her request, I didn’t even do a vaginal exam.

She also wanted a lot of privacy with her husband during labor. So, I settled down in the den with my crocheting. But within an hour after we arrived, she was ready to push. The father wanted to catch. So, I just sat by the pool and watched closely, getting heart tones between pushes. She only pushed a few times and the baby’s head was born along with her left hand up by her ear. I gently reached down to hold the baby’s hand close to her face to prevent the mother from tearing. And the baby slipped out easily right into her daddy’s arms.

She was a little blue at first but only needed a little tactile stimulation to start breathing on her own. The placenta arrived promptly with practically no blood loss. And except for the tiniest tear that needed just a little repair, my “work” was done. How awesome and healing birth can be! I know the mom and dad got exactly what they wanted. I’m really happy for them. But I have to confess that I also needed that birth. What a blessing!